


Love is All

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-05
Updated: 2003-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of theWest Wing Fanfiction Central, a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in theannouncement post.





	1. Love is All

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

Disclaimer: I think it's probably obvious that I don't own these lovely characters.

This is the fifth in the I'll be series. It is the sequel to "How Do I Live" and is set later in the same day that story left off with.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 1

I had woken up and I had smiled at Josh, though I really was unsure of how I got there. Josh had been crying and he stopped once he saw that my eyes were open. He began to kiss my hand. I felt the last of his tears fall on my hand. They felt really warm just like he was.

I tried to speak but I couldn't. Josh seemed to understand. He just gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then he pressed the nurses call button. A nurse appeared and she smiled at us. She promised to go and get the doctor.

I know that Josh had been telling me something important when I woke up. But his mouth was surprising close. He seemed a little exhausted. I longed to hear his voice, but before I could the doctors came to look at me. The doctor said that he needed to run some tests.

I was still really groggy and the doctors had a bunch of tests run on me. Josh looked like hell so I knew something terrible must have happened. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that something had happened to the triplets. I longed to ask Josh but hadn't really been awake or alone with him long enough to ask.

I came back from getting one of the many tests run on me and Josh was waiting. He looked on the verge of collapse. I recognized the signs, he hadn't been asleep in a very long time. I also knew he was probably at the stage where he was past listening to what other people had to say about that.

After they got me settled back into bed Josh took a hold of my hand. I studied his face some more. Looking past the dark circles that he had under his eyes, I saw the immense sorrow in his eyes. My worst fears were true, something had to have happened.

"Donnatella..." Josh rolled my name softly off of his tongue.

He said my name like he had something major to tell me. He tried to hide it by turning away from me for a moment. But I knew, and I wasn't about to let him get away with it.

"Josh." I croaked out.

Josh turned back around and he gave me a funny look. I tried to give him a little smile. He had to have thought that I sounded like a frog too. His face softened at my attempt at a smile. I squeezed his hand as a way to urge him to tell me what had happened.

"Donna, we are the parents of triplets." Josh said slowly.

It took a moment for that to sink in. Josh said that we were the parents of triplets. Something about that sentence didn't seem right to me. My mind was a little hazy, but I could swear that there was something I hadn't told Josh. Something that I hadn't told him about the triplets. But I wasn't in the right frame of mind to try and figure that out now.

"We have..." Josh began, but I heard his voice catch in his throat.

I searched his face for deeper answers but I couldn't tell. He was doing his best to be expressionless, and it was working. His eyes still held the immense sorrow but I knew that could be from a wide variety of things. I could tell that something was troubling him and that he was scared to death to tell me.

"Tell me." I managed to whisper.

"Donna, we lost one of them." Josh said as his voice cracked a tiny bit.

I briefly closed my eyes for a moment. One of them had died. I felt as if I couldn't breath. I felt as if my world had come crashing down around me.

When I opened my eyes again I could tell that Josh was trying his best to be strong. I knew that it was killing him. I opened my arms out a little bit and he caught the gesture. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt a few tears fall off my cheek and on to his shoulder. I just let him hold me for a moment.

When you hold me like this  
So many memories fill my eyes  
The first time we kissed  
The times we nearly said good-bye

When I first got pregnant I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be. But then Robbie died and josh became my knight in shining armor. I knew that I was so ready to be a parent. But losing a child, that was one thing that I never thought I would have to do. Especially not so soon.

I clinged to Josh. I breathed in his sweet cologne and I remembered all the times that I almost lost him. I was so horrible to him and yet here he was still by my side. And now one of the children that he had so unselfishly agreed to be the father of was dead.

"It wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault." Josh soothed.

"But my baby is gone. I mean our baby is gone." I replied.

"I know, but it wasn't your fault." Josh answered softly.

I tried to let his words sink in, but I didn't quite believe them. There had to have been something that I did to cause this. Babies weren't supposed to be born as easy as ours were. I knew that, and I felt completely worthless. Like I had let Josh down. I didn't even know the child's name.

"His name was Nathaniel." Josh whispered once he let go of me.

"When did this happen?" I asked very weakly.

"They were born late last night and Nathaniel died early this morning." Josh whispered quietly.

"How are the other two?" I whispered.

"They are holding their own, or so I'm told." Josh said in a voice that didn't totally convince me, and he wiped my tears away.

"What are their names?" I asked since I figured he hadn't just named the one we lost.

"Noah and Julia." Josh replied softly.

I looked at him strangely. Those names seemed vaguely familiar but I couldn't place where I had heard them. I know that we hadn't discussed them because the only name that we had discussed was Simon, and that was just as a joke. Josh seemed to notice my confusion.

"C.J. found a list of names on my desk. I hope you don't mind but I used them. I just went off the order they were in." Josh explained.

"I don't remember writing them." I confessed.

"It's okay. They are probably better than the names Sam and I came up with." Josh stated, and a tiny smile crept on to his face.

"Do I even want to know?" I asked with a sigh.

"Well, Sam wanted to them the boys Samuel and Norman. But I thought that was too cruel. So we came up with Samuel Toby and Leo Josiah. I know pretty lame but I didn't think you were going to let us anyway." Josh admitted with a small laugh.

"But you changed your mind huh?" I prodded, knowing that he probably hadn't smiled in a long time.

"Yeah C.J. pulled out your list and we both decided that we had probably go with them. I guess she didn't want to have to get maimed along with me if you hated the names." Josh replied, his face totally lit up with a smile now.

"Yeah, I would've had to kill you. One of the four of them is enough, we don't have to have them ourselves. And what about the girls names? Or weren't you thinking about them?" I asked.

"I don't remember exactly, but they weren't anything you would've approved of. They were equally as bad I assure you. So I just picked Julia's name off of the list." Josh admitted.

But something in his expression changed. His smile lost some of its brightness. I longed to see that smile again. He didn't really want to know why it had faded. I didn't want to think about it.

My eyes began to feel really droopy. I didn't really want to go back to sleep. But I just felt so weak. Josh patted my hand.

"Go to sleep now Donnatella. It's okay." Josh whispered softly.

"Josh, you should do the same." I croaked back.

"I'm going to go to the nursery for a while." Josh replied ignoring my suggestion.

"Josh." I murmured.

"Rest now, you can fight with me later." He whispered as he kissed the top of my forehead.

"Josh." I protested.

"What Donnatella?" Josh said suddenly concerned.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too. Now get some rest before I get in trouble." Josh replied softly.

But still here we are  
Tested tried and true  
Stronger than we ever knew

I watched as Josh quietly limped out of my room. Something about his limp seemed different to me too. I was about to close my eyes and succumb to sleep when my arm bumped something that was on the side of my bed.

I looked down and I saw it was a photograph. I picked it up. The photograph was of a tiny baby. I realized that it must have been a picture of Nathaniel. I brought it closer.

Josh must have accidentally dropped it. It was creased a little so I knew that Josh had held it in his hands. I looked at the picture and my eyes welled up with tears. I clutched the picture to my chest as I cried myself back to sleep.

  


	2. Love is All 2

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 2

I should be happy that Donna woke up. And I should be happy that I was able to tell her about Nathaniel before I had to bury him. But I'm not. My whole conversation with her just seemed a little weird.

I know that she is still recovering from delivering the babies and that she still has the infection. The doctors aren't telling me much about her condition and frankly it frightens me. They are holding something back and I can tell; hell my profession is all about knowing when someone is holding something back. And the doctors are definitely holding something back.

Donna told me that I needed to get some sleep and I know that she's right. But I just can't sleep yet. I don't think I will be able to sleep until I know that my family is going to be okay. Which unfortunately doesn't seem like it will be in the very near future.

I went down to the nursery like I promised Donna that I was going to. I pulled up a chair and I sat in the middle between both of our little angels. Julia seemed to be moving around a lot. She seemed to enjoy trying out her lungs. If I didn't want to hear that sound as desperately as I did, I would've seriously thought about investing in some earplugs.

Noah seemed to be oblivious of the racket that his little sister was making. He was sleeping peacefully. I had to smile at that. I could already tell who was going to demand the most attention. My little daughter was going to be the handful, and my son was going to be the proverbial good child.

"Josh, I knew I would find you in here." Abbey murmured as she tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.

"Hi." I said looking up at her with a startled expression.

"Josh, go home." Abbey ordered.

"I can't. I need to be here in case something happens to one of them." I said pointing at my two children.

"Josh." Abbey warned.

"And something is still wrong with Donna. The doctors are holding something back." I protested.

"Josh do you honestly think that I'm going to by that excuse?" Abbey asked.

"It's not really an excuse." I protested.

It really wasn't an excuse. My son and daughter were still in critical condition and something was definitely wrong with my wife. She was crazy to think that I would leave them at a time like this. She seemed to sense this.

"Then what is it?" Abbey asked gently.

"I just can't..." I stuttered.

"You can't what?" Abbey asked, her voice extremely soft and gentle.

"I just can't go home right now. I'm sorry, I can't go home when my whole family is here." I managed quietly.

Abbey just looked at me for a moment. I guess she could understand my dilemma. I know she was trying to put herself into my shoes to see how she would react in the same situation. From the look on her face, I guess she had been able to put herself in that situation. I took that as a victory for myself.

"If I found you a bed here in the hospital, someplace where the nurses could find you in case something goes wrong will you get some rest?" Abbey asked.

Okay maybe not a complete victory but I guess it was a start. A place somewhere in the hospital wouldn't be all that bad. I would still be close to my family and I would be able to at least attempt to sleep. Abbey stared at me with accusing eyes.

"I'd think about it." I replied slowly.

"Josh." Abbey warned.

"Yes." I answered, not daring to cross her any further.

The normal Josh might have, but this Josh didn't have the energy to. Abbey seemed to understand this and she quickly went to find me a place to sleep. If I wasn't so exhausted, I might find it funny. I mean how many people really get the First Lady to mother them, if she isn't their mother? I didn't know, but I could venture a guess that it was a small few.

Abbey went to talk with a nurse and I focused my attention back on my two children. Julia seemed to have worn herself out because she was no longer crying. The sound of crying was replaced by the monitors that hummed around both of them. It really didn't comfort me at all.

Love is all

The laughter and the tears that fall

The mundane and the magical

Love is all

Abbey came back and she led me to a small room that was a few rooms away from the nursery. Mysteriously, my overnight back from my office was already lying on the bed, next to a small plate of food. Abbey didn't say a word about it. She just pointed to where extra blankets were if I needed them and she assured me that she would sit with my children for a little while.

I tried to eat some of the sandwich after she left, but it had no taste at all. So I threw the rest of it away. I then laid down on the bed and I stared up at the ceiling. I know I needed to sleep so I tried to close my eyes. But sleep didn't come. Just as I knew it wouldn't.

I laid there for awhile thinking about the past year and how much my life had changed. A year ago I was in and out of drug-induced sleep because I had been shot. But this time it was so much worse. I would rather have died that night than to have put my family through all of this pain.

Except for the last couple of days I wouldn't trade most of my time as Donna's husband. And I wouldn't really trade knowing that I helped create these three little angels. Sure one of them already is an angel but I wouldn't trade being able to hold him for anything in the world. Because in that moment I was just a father holding my son. So I guess maybe it was a good thing I wasn't dead yet.

I think I finally drifted off to sleep for a while, but I was awakened by the ringing of my cell phone. I pulled it out of my coat with trembling hands. But then I remembered that the nurse had promised to come and get me if anything was wrong. So it probably wasn't bad news on the phone.

"Josh Lyman." I said with my traditional answering voice.

"Josh, I wasn't sure if you would have your phone on you or not." Sam stuttered.

"What's up Sam?" I asked.

"I found out about Nathaniel earlier and it's been bugging me that I haven't had a chance to see how you are doing." Sam replied slowly.

"I understand." I replied quietly.

"Do you need help with the funeral arrangement or anything?" Sam asked softly.

"I'm not exactly sure what we are doing yet, but thanks for the offer." I replied.

"How are you holding up?" Sam asked.

"I'm hanging in there." I replied, proud that I had resisted the urge to lie and say that I was fine.

"That's good. I'm going to try and swing by later. Do you need anything else?" He asked helpfully.

"No, I got the bag that you brought by earlier. I'm good." I replied.

"Okay. Josh, I'm really sorry." Sam whispered before he hung up.

"I know." I replied as I clicked the phone shut.

I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I decided to get up. I dug through my bag and I found my razor. After a quick change of my clothes and a freshly shaved face I figured I didn't look quite so bad.

I got up and I went back up to Donna's room. I bypassed the nursery because I really didn't want to get in trouble. I slept for a little while, an hour or so. Hey that was better than nothing right?

Donna opened her eyes a short time after I entered the room. She gave me a small smile. God, how I needed to see that smile. Donna was about to open her mouth to speak but I placed a much deserved kiss on her lips. She resisted for a moment before gently kissing me back.

"I see you really slept much." Donna murmured after I pulled away.

"What you don't like how I spruced up for you?" I joked.

"You could sell storage space in those bags you have under your eyes." Donna replied.

"Maybe you're right." I conceded.

"Thank you." Donna replied softly.

Her statement confused me so I had to look more closely at her. She grabbed the picture of Nathaniel from behind her pillow. I must have accidentally left it when I was in with her earlier. I reached into my pocket and I pulled out two more pictures.

"This is Julia and this is Noah." I said as I handed her the other two.

They weren't creased liked Nathaniel's had been. In fact, I think it was the first time that I had even pulled them out since receiving them. I didn't really need to because I could still see them in real life.

"Oh Josh." Donna said as she began to sob.

I reached and I pulled her into a tight hug. I didn't want to let her go. As she sobbed I whispered how much I loved her and how we were going to get through all of this

All is love

The careless words

The healing touch

The getting and the giving of

All is love

 


	3. Love is All 3

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 3

I pulled away from Josh and he wiped away the tears that had streaked down my cheeks with his fingers. Neither one of us said anything for a moment. I noticed that Josh's eyes were a little misty too, so I knew that I wasn't alone in my sadness.

"When can I see them?" I asked softly.

"When you get a little stronger. The doctors aren't telling me much about your condition but they have told me that you still have a fever and are still battling the infection." Josh replied quietly.

"But I need to see them." I protested.

"I know. You will see them when you get a little better. Give yourself some time Donnatella." Josh replied softly.

"I already killed one of my children, I might as well be allowed to see the other two that could still die because of me." I lashed out.

"Nathaniel's death wasn't your fault." Josh quietly assured me.

"Yes it was, it was all my fault! The doctor told me the day before that I had a slight temperature and that I should rest. But I didn't listen to her. I killed our son." I cried out.

"Donnatella, this wasn't your fault." Josh stated softly.

"If I would've just listened to the doctor..." My voice trailed off.

"They told me that nothing could've been done to prevent this. This wasn't your fault." Josh assured me.

"Well, then who's fault was it?" I cried out.

"It was an act of God. Donna, our little boy wasn't meant to live. He was meant to go to heaven and look down on us." Josh tried to comfort me.

"Well, tell God that I hate him. Do you hear that I hate you and I want my son back!" I screamed up at the ceiling.

"Shhh, Donna it's okay." Josh soothed as he tried to pull me into another hug.

"No it's not okay." I said as I pushed him away.

"Everything is eventually going to be alright." Josh assured me.

"It's never going to be okay again. It's never going to be okay again." I lashed out.

"Donna, sweetheart..." Josh began but I cut him off.

"Just leave me alone. Please just leave me alone." I shouted.

"It wasn't your fault." Josh tried again.

"Get out, now!" I ordered.

"I will..." Josh started but again I cut him off.

"Just leave me alone. You should be planning our son's funeral anyway." I yelled.

"I wanted to wait until you could attend." Josh said quietly.

"I killed him so I shouldn't get that option. Just plan the damn thing and have it already. And leave me the hell out of it." I screamed.

"Are you sure?" Josh asked slowly.

"Just do it, already!" I yelled.

"Donna, we can get through this together." Josh assured me.

"I don't know if I want to." I snapped.

Josh opened his mouth to say something else but he retreated from the room before he put a voice to whatever else was on his mind. I collapsed back onto the pillows sobbing harder than I had ever sobbed before. Josh was wrong, this was all of my fault. He just didn't know why it was all of my fault yet.

There's a me that you've always known

A me that's a stranger still

I never told Josh the real reason why I went back to Dr. Freeride that second time. I went back because I was carrying his child. When I was in that car accident not only did I hurt my ankle, but I also lost the baby that I was carrying. He had been so angry with me for being so careless, but by that time I had already figured out that I didn't need him in my life anyway.

I never told Josh that. I just wanted to forget that whole incident. Dr. Freeride wasn't all that I had once thought he was, and it made losing his baby a blessing in disguise. I would've been tied to that bastard for the rest of my life. And trust me, he turned out to be someone I definitely could live without.

Anyway, I guess I should explain why it was my fault. After I had miscarried Dr. Freeride's child, the ER doctor told me that I might never be able to have another normal pregnancy again. He said that if I ever did get pregnant again, that I would have to take extra-special precautions due to the injuries I received in the car accident. But I didn't listen to him and that's why Nathaniel is dead, and why my other two babies could still die.

I certainly wasn't very careful. I mean I had overloaded myself with stress after the fight with Josh that day, and then I overloaded myself with guilt. But even after I got past all of that I didn't really cut back on my work schedule like I should of, and I didn't tell my new doctor that I was high risk. I had failed my children and I had failed Josh.

"Donna, can I come in?" C.J. called from the doorway.

"I guess." I replied as I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I'm so sorry that Nathaniel died." C.J. said softly.

"Yeah well don't be it was my fault not yours." I snapped.

"Donna, it wasn't your fault." C.J. said as her voice sounded dangerously close to Josh's.

"Yes it was." I replied angrily. "Why won't anyone else believe me?"

"Okay, why do you think it was your fault?" C.J. asked, confusing me with that angle.

"Because I already lost a child one other time and I was told to take special precautions but I didn't." I yelled, and the sobbing began again.

"Donna, have you told Josh this?" C.J. asked quietly.

"No, I didn't tell him that I miscarried Dr. Freeride's child." I replied bitterly.

"Oh." C.J. replied softly.

"Yeah oh. I can't tell him about that now because it will seem like I lied to him. I went back to Dr. Freeride not just because he wanted me back, but because I was pregnant with his child. I was naive and I thought that if he knew that he would never leave me. But the baby didn't matter to him until the day I lost it. Drinking and hanging out with his friends were more important. Even the day that I was in the car accident and he knew that I could've lost our baby, he stopped to have what he said was one beer first. But C.J. he showed up drunk." I cried.

"Oh Donna." C.J. murmured.

"He was drunk and he was cursing me for letting myself be so stupid as to get into a car accident. I never meant to get broad sided, and I certainly never meant to lose his baby. But he didn't care. He just began to rant and rave about how worthless I was and about how much of a waste I was. He crushed all of my dreams that night." I sobbed.

"So you came back to work for Josh to prove that you weren't worthless." C.J. theorized.

"Yeah that and I needed to get away from him. I didn't tell Josh what happened because I didn't want him to act like I was going to break. My parent's hovered over me at home and I was tired of them feeling sorry for me. That's why I came back and that's why I never said anything about it. But now I could lose Josh because of it. And I wouldn't blame him because he deserves so much better than me." I sobbed.

"Donna, he loves you. He knows that this wasn't your fault." C.J. stated.

"There are some things I should've done and I didn't do them." I protested.

"Donna, he hasn't really slept in two nights because he's been worried about you. The babies have been holding their own but he's still worried about you. He loves you so much." C.J. said gently.

"I know but I have been so horrible to him. First I got mad about a stupid picture and I told him that he should get hit by a car. Then, after he was in an accident, I didn't see him for two months and I tried to file for divorce. And now the latest thing is that I didn't take the special precautions I needed to take and I delivered our babies three months early. I don't know how much more he can take." I sobbed.

"I'm stronger than you think." Josh called from the doorway.

The you that feels like home

And the you that never will

I gasped when I heard his voice. I couldn't bare to look at him. C.J. wasn't sure what to do. She looked over at me and she looked over at him. She could tell that something had happened earlier and that she had missed it.

"I just came to get my wallet. It must've fallen out when I was in here earlier." Josh apologized as he hobbled over to the bed.

He started to bend down to pick it up when the leg that he had been suspiciously favoring gave out and he sort of fell to the floor. I looked up just in time to see this. But Josh didn't say a word; he just picked up his wallet and picked himself back up.

"I love you. And just for the record, any day with you, horrible or not, is better than my best day without you." Josh stated as he left the room again.

"C.J." I cried out.

"Yes Donna?" C.J. managed to get out.

"Go after him please. I need to apologize to him." I begged.


	4. Love is All 4

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 4

I walked away from Donna's room with my head hung in shame. Here I spent the whole night trying to decide how to tell Donna about the babies and specifically about how to tell Nathaniel and all she can think of is how much it's her fault. She wouldn't listen to me; in fact she threw me out of her room. She threw me out of her room at a time when I need her most.

To make matters worse my knee was hurting even more than it had the day before. I could barely walk on it. I just added that to the list of things that I didn't really want to deal with at the moment. But as the pain worsened I realized I couldn't put it off anymore. Just as I made this realization, C.J. called after me. I groaned but I turned to face her anyway.

As I was turning around my leg gave out from under me and I fell to the ground. C.J. hurried over to me and she hovered over me. I waited for the lecture; I waited for her to tell me that I was an idiot and that I should've seen a doctor sooner. But she didn't say that. Instead she tired to help me up, but once she realized that was a failure she said she would be right back.

I while I waited for her I began to wonder what she had wanted. Donna must have told her something that had caused her to come running after me. I sighed a deep sigh. As much as I loved Donna I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Donna said she didn't know if she could do this anymore. If she couldn't do this anymore that left me screwed, and I was getting really tired of having my heart trampled on like that.

C.J. came back a few minutes later with an orderly and a wheelchair. The orderly didn't make fun of me, as I certainly would've if our roles were reversed. C.J. said that they were taking me down to the Emergency Room. I just rolled my head on my shoulder and weakly nodded. I realized that any resistance on my part would get me nowhere, so I had better comply.

Thankfully the ER was dead so I was able to see a doctor right away. C.J. did most of the talking. It kind of made me feel like a little preschooler or something. They took me to get my knee x-rayed and they ran some other tests. C.J. stayed behind to wait for me, since they wouldn't let her come too.

I knew that C.J. would demand an explanation when I got back. I tried to think of what my explanation would be. But then I was so tired of explaining myself that I couldn't come up with a good one. I just wished that I could start the week over again. I knew that was impossible, but I wanted to try. Anyway as I had figured I had to face the wrath of C.J. when I got back.

"So just what the hell is your problem?" C.J. asked once I was brought back to the exam room.

"Gee that didn't take long." I muttered aloud.

"Josh, I am serious! What is your problem? Why did you wait to have your leg looked at? What if I hadn't been in the hallway when you fell flat on your face?" C.J. accused.

"Then I would've fallen flat on my face with a little dignity left intact." I countered in a smug voice.

"Josh this isn't very funny." C.J. replied.

"You know what, you're right the events of the last couple of days have been far from funny. But thank you for pointing them out to me." I replied very sarcastically, letting a tinge of anger slip in my voice.

"Do you even want to know why I was coming after you in the first place?" C.J. asked and her voice got quieter.

"Because you felt sorry for me because of what Donna said to me. Honestly C.J. I don't need or want your pity." I replied, the anger a little more visible.

"Josh, I came after you because Donna asked me to, not because I pity you. She didn't mean what she said. She's hurting and she's in shock from losing her son. She doesn't know how to react because Nathaniel is gone. She's hurt and scared Josh." C.J. defended.

"I went through hell last night. Do you think that I am not hurt or scared? You forget that I was the one who tried to will him to live and I was the one who held him just moments after he died. C.J. I tried to will him to live long enough for her to see him. When he died I didn't know what to say to Donna. I thought about it for the rest of the night and until Donna woke up. It broke my heart because I was there and I knew that it would break Donna's heart even more. Don't bring Nathaniel in to this, because I am not going to allow my son to be used as an excuse." I replied angrily, with my voice cracking near the end.

"I'm not trying to bring him into this as an excuse, I'm just saying that everyone deals with grief a little bit differently that's all." C.J. soothed.

"When I told her that we would get through this together she said that she didn't know if she wanted to. After all we have been through she decides now that she isn't sure she wants to anymore?" I replied.

"She didn't mean it. Josh she was just scared. She never meant to hurt you." C.J. soothed.

"Forgive me if I'm just getting a little tired of people saying that." I replied as I turned away from her and faced the wall instead.

C.J. kept talking but I barely listened to her words. I had been through so much and there was no way that she could even begin to understand it. Plus, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain, in more ways than one. I wasn't in the mood to hear her defend Donna. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.

C.J. must have realized that I wasn't listening because she stopped talking. The room became deathly silent, all that could be heard were the faint sounds of everything else that was going on in the E.R. I could hear C.J.'s breathing, it was kind of like she was sighing so I knew that she was still there. I also knew that she was frustrated and probably angry with me. But at that moment I was already angry with Toby, with Donna, and with God that I figured one more person was an added bonus.

"Josh would you please look at me." C.J. begged.

I weighed my options for a moment. But then I realized that C.J. was my friend and that she was just trying to help. It wasn't her fault that Donna had reacted the way that she did. And it wasn't her fault that Nathaniel had died. So with a heavy sigh I began to turn back and look at her.

"What?" I asked with an exhausted sigh.

But before she could answer me, the young intern I had for a doctor came back. I really should of known that the way my day was going that it was about to get a lot worse. I mean I was already really tired and cranky and I had almost gone off on C.J. I should have realized that the intern was an easier target. I should have realized that he would give the perfect reason for Mt. Josh to erupt.

"Mrs. Lyman can I talk to you in the hall for a moment." He began.

I know that my jaw dropped. He had just called C.J. my wife. I laid there and waited for C.J. to tell him about his mistake. But she didn't, she just stood there with a confused look on her face. I could feel the anger welling up again. Anger that I knew that my PTSD wouldn't let me control if it erupted. I tired to be calm about the whole thing, really I tried.

"She's not my wife." I finally said tersely.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that the two of you were fighting." The dumbest intern on the planet replied.

"She's..." I began but got cut off by C.J.

"Is something wrong? Is that why you want to see me?" C.J. managed to ask, completely ignoring the fact that she had been called my wife.

"No, there are just some papers that you need to sign." He replied though we could both tell that he was lying. "Mrs. Lyman I swear I won't keep you away from your husband to long. What I have to say will only take a minute."

When C.J. got up and started to follow him the anger that had been building began to boil over. I wasn't even sure what was going on between me and Donna, but I knew that she was still my wife. I wasn't about to let the damn intern replace her. And as I feared the anger spilled out and there was nothing I could do to control it.

"When I said that she wasn't my wife, I wasn't lying. My wife is upstairs. She gave birth to premature triplets yesterday. I know that C.J. likes to act like she's my wife but she's not okay. Donna and I are having enough problems right now, and we don't need you to marry me off to someone else. Whatever is wrong you can just stand right there and say it to my face because my real wife Donna is in no condition to hear any more bad news. So just tell me what the tests showed. Believe me I'm stronger than I look. You don't have to try and hide the truth from me. I'm a big boy." I snapped the anger just oozing from my voice.

"I'm sorry." The intern apologized but it sounded flat and insincere.

"Josh!" C.J. admonished.

"Mr. Lyman I was just going to tell your wife that..." The intern who I decided who had rocks for brains tried to explain.

"How many times do I have to tell you, she is not my wife! My wife's name is Donna. She's got blond hair, blue eyes, and alabaster skin." I yelled.

The intern just looked at me and I began to yell some more but I honestly couldn't even tell you what I was yelling. I think that all of my anger from the past few days was just spilling out. I do know that I stopped yelling once I was out of breath. As I struggled to regain it, C.J. began to look at me like I had grown another head, and the intern looked like he wanted to be swallowed up by the floor.

"Is there something wrong in here?" A man who identified himself as the hospital's chief resident asked.

"Yeah, you tell him what's wrong." The intern said as he shoved the chart in the other guy's hands, and he hurried out of the room.

"Um...just give me a minute to glance at this and I will be able to tell you what's wrong." The new guy said after being confused about what he had just witnessed.

C.J.'s pager went off just then. She glanced at the message and then excused herself from the room. Though I could tell that she was still shaken from my outburst. I groaned after she left the room because I was worried that she was going to sic Leo on me.

"Well, Mr. Lyman it appears that you first twisted and then severely sprained your knee. But the thing that worries me the most is your blood sugar level. Have you really had anything to eat or drink in the past couple of days? Because you are also severely dehydrated." The new doctor said.

"Not really, you see..." I began but he cut me off.

"It's none of my business why. But I would like to admit you overnight to re-hydrate you and to get your blood sugar back up. Your body must be on the verge of passing out, and I'd like to prevent that if I can." He replied.

"Okay." I sighed.

"Oh yeah your knee will be fine in a week or so. Just keep it wrapped up and put ice on it, and by all means stay off it for a while. When you fell earlier it was because you re-injured it, so unless you want to do some permanent damage I would stay off of it for a few days." The doctor urged.

"I'll do my best." I replied.

"Oh don't feel too bad at yelling at him either, he probably deserved it. Anyway, someone will be along in a few minutes to take you up to your room." He said and then was gone.

I lay there for a minute and I closed my eyes. I was seriously starting to lose it. I knew that I needed to stay strong for my children and for Donna. I shouldn't let her try and push me away. I promised myself that I would go and see her the first chance I got. But I realized that it must wait until later because my eyelids were too heavy to open back up. I felt myself drifting off to a much-needed sleep.


	5. Love is All 5

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 5

I waited very impatiently for C.J. to come back with Josh. I wished that I could apologize for being so selfish. I wish I could take back the cruel things that I said. I wish that I could tell him quote him and say that, "And just for the record, any day with you, horrible or not, is better than my best day without you."

I looked down at the picture of Nathaniel and I still felt really guilty about what happened. Josh told me that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent his death but I wasn't exactly convinced. If only I had taken better care of myself he might still be inside my belly.

As I continued to wait I began to trace the picture with my finger. I longed for the chance to have been able to hold my son. I heard that Josh was able to right after Nathaniel died. I was so jealous of him. He got a chance to say good-bye, as I had not.

I looked up from my tracing as my hospital room door swung open. I began to formulate my apology in my head. But then I realized that it was Sam and not Josh. I sighed.

"Hey Donna, how you feeling?" Sam asked as he entered the room carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"I've been better. Those are beautiful Sam. Why don't you place them by the window?" I replied and I pointed out a place for him to put the flowers.

"You're welcome. They are from the whole Senior Staff. Everybody is really saddened, and they all wish you the best." Sam replied.

"I can't believe we lost one of them." I said softly.

"Yeah I know. Is there anything I can do for you?" Sam asked.

"No but thanks for offering. You look like you are looking for something, is there anything I can help you with?" I asked.

"I'm actually looking for Josh. I thought that he would be in here." Sam replied.

"I haven't seen him." I replied as I hung my head.

"You haven't seen him? They said in the nursery that..." Sam began but I interrupted.

"We got into a fight." I replied.

"Oh Donna. I'm sorry. I didn't know." Sam apologized.

"It's okay. Actually, I was the one doing the yelling, it wasn't his fault at all. Josh was kind of just standing there trying to take it." I replied as I looked down at the floor.

"So you don't know where he went? Do you need me to try and find him?" Sam asked.

"No C.J.'s already trying. What do you need him for?" I asked.

"He wanted to see me after all of the arrangements for Nathaniel have been made. He asked me to help him make a few phone calls and I finished making them a few minutes ago." Sam replied quietly.

"Oh." I replied softly.

"How are you holding up with everything that has happened?" Sam asked.

"I reacted very badly by lashing out at Josh and making him feel like crap." I replied.

We both got quiet. I looked up and studied Sam. He looked like he hadn't had much sleep in the past couple of days either. Though he was doing a decent job of trying to hide it.

I began to wonder what he really thought of me. I knew that he had not taken a side when the whole divorce incident happened, but having been Josh's best friend for a long time, I figured that he must really hate me. And now he heard that I had gotten into yet another fight with Josh that wasn't Josh's fault, so he must think I am this psycho.

"Donna, everyone grieves differently." Sam said as he broke the silence.

"Huh?" I asked shoving my thoughts aside.

"Everyone grieves differently. Everyone uses some sort of tool to help them cope. Apparently, you like to use anger when you grieve. Josh on the other hand likes to try and keep pretty much to himself. He would rather help someone grieve before dealing with things himself." Sam replied.

I thought about what he was saying for a moment and I guessed he was right. I had been using anger when I grieved. I wondered what kind of person that made me. And I knew what Sam was taking about with Josh. I mean that's how he became diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder in the first place.

"Yeah I guess you're right." I conceded with a sigh.

"Donna, he knows that you didn't mean whatever you said. He can just be stubborn sometimes." Sam replied cracking a small smile.

"I egg him on though Sam. I mean he deserves to be angry with me. I was the one who was wrong. He was just trying to soothe me and all I did was make things worse. I can't blame him for leaving the room, hell I even kicked him out." I protested.

"Donna, there are plenty of times when you deserve to be angry with him and you are not. Josh probably thought it would be better if he left than to make you any madder. He loves you and this isn't going to change things." Sam pointed out.

"Sam..." I began.

"Donna I know that you might find it really hard to believe but he does. He loves it when people argue with him; you of all people should know that. You've seen how he reacts after fighting with a senator." Sam added.

Before I could reply the door opened again and C.J. appeared. I kept looking for Josh to be right behind her but he was not. C.J. looked really shell-shocked. I was afraid to ask her what happened.

"Sam, Leo needs you back at the White House." C.J. replied as she handed Sam a note.

"Okay. Donna, I'm sorry but I have to go. There is a crisis outside of Florida with some Cubans." Sam replied telling me as much as he could.

"C.J." I began as she also started to leave.

"I really have to go back to." C.J. replied.

"C.J. did you find Josh?" I called out before she left.

"Yeah but he's unavailable right now." C.J. replied.

"What do you mean he is unavailable?" I asked.

But she didn't answer me. She just left the room. I just stared after her. I knew that there was a crisis but I figured she could've at least told me that he had go back with them. Something must have happened between the two of them.

I laid back on the pillows and groaned. Something was going on with Josh and I was being left out of the loop. I really hated that. I wish I knew what was going on.

My door opened for a third time, but this time I didn't think it was Josh. In fact I knew that it wasn't. I was right it was a doctor. I was really starting to hate them, all they seemed to be bringing was bad news.

"Donna, I'm Dr. Schilling." The doctor began and I realized that I had met him earlier today.

"Yes, I remember." I replied.

"I wanted to tell you that I see no reason that you shouldn't be allowed to go see your children from the nursery window. All of your vitals are pretty good. Maybe by tomorrow you can actually go in and get a closer look." Dr. Schilling stated.

"Thank you doctor." I replied slowly.

"A nurse will come and help you in a few minutes. They are doing wonderful Donna. For being as small as they are, they are both getting stronger by the minute. It looks like you have two little miracles." The doctor replied.

"Thank you." I replied, not knowing what else to say.

"If I didn't know better I would think that someone is willing them to live." Dr. Schilling replied.

I nodded as he left. A few minutes later I got to see my little miracles for myself. They looked so tiny. I could barely see them because of all the machines that were surrounding them. My heart ached to touch them and to be able to tell them that everything was going to be okay. But I had to settle for waving at them through the window.

"Mrs. Lyman, would you like to be taken to your husband's room now?" The nurse asked when she came back to retrieve me.

"My husband's room?" I asked in a shocked voice.

"Yes." The nurse replied not realizing that I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Yeah. Please take me to see him." I replied.

The nurse wheeled me to Josh's room. He was lying in the bed asleep. I could see that his knee was wrapped up and there was an ice pack on it. He had a couple of IV's attached to his arm. I stroked his cheek.

"Is there anything else you need before I go?" The nurse asked.

"Nurse can you tell me what they decided what was wrong with him?" I asked.

"He has a severely sprained knee, is dehydrated and has a really low blood sugar level. The drugs that they gave him for the pain probably knocked him out." The nurse replied.

"Thank you." I answered.

I looked down at him. He looked like he needed the sleep. I think that he had lied earlier when he said that he was going to get some rest. I guess that I couldn't blame him; I'd probably do the same thing.

  __

But here still we are

Tested and tried and true 

"Josh, I am so sorry. Please forgive me." I whispered.


	6. Love is All 6

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 6

"Josh wake up it's just a dream." A voice soothed.

I awoke suddenly from a bad dream when I heard someone calling my name. It took me a minute to figure out where I was once I opened my eyes. The last thing I really remembered was being in an exam room and yelling at a young intern. But this didn't seem like an exam room, and then I recalled hearing something about having to be admitted. I really didn't want to be in the hospital, the rest of my family already was.

I moved slightly and pain shoot through my knee and I remembered that I had severely sprained it or something like that. I was still reeling from the bad dream and from figuring out where I was, when I heard my name again. I looked up at the source. It was Donna, so I guessed that I hadn't really woken up from my bad dream after all.

"Josh." She said again even softer than the first couple of times.

I didn't say anything for a moment. I had to choke back the anger and resentment that I felt. Donna had said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to get through our current situation. I knew that I wasn't ready to give up, but I didn't have enough energy to fight for the both of us. I wasn't sure if I could do that anymore.

"Donna." I replied after a moment, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"Do you need to talk about your dream?" Donna asked softly.

"No." I replied adamantly.

Heavy silence filled the room. Donna didn't need to know that I had dreamed that our marriage was over and that our two surviving children died as well. It was not the sort of dream that you tell a spouse that you are fighting with. In fact, it's not the type of dream you really want to share with your spouse at all. Donna must have figured that I wasn't going to tell her, so she changed the subject.

"I screwed up, big time." Donna announced.

This statement put me at a loss for words. I wasn't really expecting her to say that. And really how do you respond to a statement like that? I mean if I agreed then it would look like I expected her to say that, but if I disagreed then I would be lying to myself and to her. I really didn't want to do either.

"You don't have to answer that, I understand. Josh, I never should have gotten angry with you. I lashed out at you because I was in pain and you just happened to be the person that was in the room. I was wrong to say that I didn't want to get through this. I was wrong to say that I wanted no part in Nathaniel's burial. I said those things because I knew it would hurt you, and I thought that you deserved to feel the same way that I did." Donna began.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"I had just found out that my son had died. A child that I never got to see outside of the womb, a child that I would have traded my life in for so that he could live." Donna replied looking away from me.

"I tried to do the same last night." I replied softly, which caused her to turn back around.

"Josh there is something that I need to explain to you...something that you might not like. But I feel that you deserve to know. " Donna said trembling.

"What is it?" I replied in a very cautious, but encouraging tone.

Donna wheeled her wheelchair a little closer to the bed. I could tell that whatever she had to tell me was weighing heavy on her mind. I wondered what the hell it was, but at the same time I was afraid. I was afraid that she wanted out for good this time. I was afraid of the million things that she could say.

"Josh, there are some things that I should have done differently because I was pregnant. I mean not just because every pregnant woman needs to take precautions, but also because mine was a special case." Donna began but I could tell that she was afraid to finish her train of thought.

"Donna, you were pregnant with triplets. I'm sure that not a lot of woman can make that claim." I protested gently.

"That's not what I meant." Donna replied in a mildly angry voice.

"Then by all means, please tell me." I pleaded quietly.

"When I left you to go back with Dr. Freeride I never told you the real reason." She said.

"You said it was because he wanted you back." I supplied.

"That was only partly true. Josh, the real reason I left because I was carrying his child." She said and tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"Oh Donna." I murmured softly.

"After he found out about the baby he begged to have me come home and he said that working on a presidential campaign was no place for a pregnant woman. So I went back to him. Only it wasn't working and we both were trying really hard. Then one night I got into a car accident and I hurt my ankle..." Donna said as she was overcome by sobs.

"And you lost the baby." I whispered finishing her sentence for her.

Donna kind of nodded her head the best that she could and I reached out and pulled her closer to me as she sobbed. I held her tightly against me as I whispered soothing words over the top of her head. I was angry as hell that she had never told me but I figured that I had better not say a word. Now was not the time because Donna needed to be comforted and not yelled at.

  __

But here still we lie

Tender and trusting and true

"Josh the E.R. doctor said that I would probably never be able to carry a child to term. He said that it was highly unlikely that I would ever be able to have children, due to the trauma I faced with the miscarriage. When I got pregnant I was shocked and I was even more shocked as time went on and more babies appeared and I was able to carry them as long as I could." Donna stated quietly.

"Donna what happened with Dr. Freeride once he found out?" I asked sounding a little harsher than I expected.

"He stopped at a bar on the way to the hospital and he showed up drunk. Then he called me worthless and stupid. He said that I was a nobody and that he wished I had been killed in that car accident as well. He was so mean to me that I hated having wasted so many years of my life on him. He said that the miscarriage just showed how weak of a person I was and that he was glad that he knew that before he proposed to me. " Donna replied.

"Huh?" I asked, in complete shock.

"What do you wish that I was dead too. Huh is that it? I failed our son Josh. I failed our children." Donna sobbed as she started to roll her wheelchair away from me.

"Donna stay please." I called after her.

"Why Josh? So you can tell me how worthless I am too? So you can blame me for killing our son? Why do you want me to stay?" Donna snapped.

"You know what, I was going to say that even with your medical history this wasn't your fault. Please try and let that thought go. Donna, I love you and I need you in my life. But I'm tired of the circles we've been running around in today. I need you to love me and to want me as much as I want you. I can't do what we've been doing any more." I stated quietly.

"How can you even still love me after all that has happened? I lied to you Josh. I lied to you about who I was, and you've just accepted me for what I am. You had no reason to give me a job that day, and yet you did. I want to know why." Donna replied.

"Donna, I hired you that day because I admired you. I admired your drive and your willingness to do hard work. I had one assistant before you, a long time before you, and she couldn't cut it. She had to bow out after a week. Everyone told me it was because I was like this slave driver boss from hell, but I was just doing the best I knew how. And then you came along and you took everything that I threw at you and you even found a way to make light of it all." I replied.

"I needed a job." Donna mumbled.

"You didn't need me yelling at you and blaming everything that went wrong on you." I protested.

"You didn't always yell at me, and I know you didn't mean over half the things that you said. For the most part you were fun to work with. You were a challenge." Donna replied.

"And that is why I fell in love with you. Donna, everyone knows that I have made some colossal mistakes in my life. And you never left me because of them, you never tried to find another job, you never begged Leo for a transfer. I fell in love with you long before I admitted it. I love every single minute that I have spent with you." I replied.

"Even though I never told you..." Donna began but I stopped her.

"Even though you never told me the truth behind Doctor Freeride. Donna, we just lost a child. It was an act of God. It wasn't your fault okay? I'm sure that Nathaniel would hate it if his death caused us to lose each other too. We still have Noah and Julia to be strong for. They need both of us, even if they only make it a little while longer." I stated passionately.

"I love Josh. I don't deserve you." Donna said as she started crying again and I pulled her close again.

  __

With everything that we've been through

"No Donna I don't deserve you." I whispered.

I held her in my arms for a while and it just felt right. I held her until a nurse came to take her back to her room. I could tell that she didn't really want to interrupt the loving scene, but we both needed our rest. In fact, the nurse was surprised that I was even awake. The drugs that they had given me were supposed to keep me out all night.

"Oh Josh, Sam was looking for you." Donna said right before she was wheeled away.

"About Nathaniel's Memorial Service I'll bet." I stated softly.

"I lied, I really want to come." Donna replied.

"I know you do, I'll make sure that your doctor lets you out for at least that long of a time tomorrow." I whispered.

"I love you." Donna whispered before she was gone.

"I love you too." I replied softly, even though I knew that she couldn't hear me.

 


	7. Love is All 7

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 7

I had a terrible nights sleep, but I did feel a little better because everything was okay between Josh and I. Well, as okay as you can be for just losing a child. I still felt like everything was my fault. I still felt completely guilty. I wondered if that feeling would ever go away.

Early the next morning C.J. came in with a change of clothes for me. It was this hideous black maternity dress. I didn't say anything because I knew that she was only trying to help. I guess they didn't make many black maternity dresses, because no one wants to think about losing their newborn child. No one wants to think about the cruelest thing that could happen to a set of parents.

I got dressed and then I walked over to the bathroom. Okay I guess it was more of a wobble than a walk. My face stared back at me through the mirror and I looked hideous. My skin was this awful pasty color and there were black circles under my red-rimmed eyes. I looked like a freak.

I picked through the make-up bag that C.J. had brought for me and I did the best I could to fix my appearance. I tried to give myself a little more color and to hide the black bags under my eyes. But as I was doing this I wonder if I should even have bothered. Everyone knew that I had just lost a child so why did it matter what I looked like? Weren't people supposed to look disorganized and all out of place?

"Are you about ready to go?" C.J. called from the doorway of my room.

"As ready as I will ever be." I mumbled.

"You look beautiful." C.J. commented sensing my disapproval of my appearance.

"Thanks, but only Josh can get away with that kind of outright lie." I said as I made a face.

"We have a little bit of time would you like to go down to the nursery?" C.J. asked softly.

"Yes I would like that. Hey is anyone helping Josh get ready? You know that he hates to dress up for these types of things." I asked suddenly concerned about my husband.

"Yeah Sam's with him I think." C.J. replied.

"That's good." I sighed as I got into the wheelchair that C.J. had for me.

Walking to the bathroom was one thing but wobbling around like a duck in front of a bunch of people was another thing. C.J. tried to make small talk on the way down to the nursery but there wasn't much that I was really in the mood to respond with. C.J. realized this and to her credit she didn't say much about it.

C.J. wheeled me over to the nursery window and I saw little Noah sleeping peacefully and little Julia looked like she was screaming her head off. I had to chuckle a little bit because it looked like the two of them were as different as night and day. Then I got quiet when I wondered how Nathaniel would have fit into this picture. I shouldn't have to wonder something like that. I should be able to see my other little boy lying right next to his brother and sister.

"Donna is everything all right?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah. It's nothing. I'll be fine I swear. Today is just going to be a tough day that's all." I whispered as I blinked back the few tears that threatened to fall.

"I'm here if you need me." C.J. assured as she squeezed my shoulder.

Dr. Carmine came out of the nursery just then. I had been so engrossed in wondering about Nathaniel that I hadn't even noticed that he was in there. I sighed a deep sigh as I silently prayed that he wasn't going to give me any more bad news. I definitely did not need that right now.

"Morning Donna how are you feeling this morning?" He asked.

"A little tired and sore." I replied softly.

"That's normal I assure you. Anyway I am glad that I found you because we have been able to take Julia off the ventilator completely. She is doing remarkably well. Noah isn't doing that bad either, but it's still a little early to take him off." Dr. Carmine told me.

"Thank you doctor." I replied softly.

"Donna, I understand how hard it must be to deal with losing one of your children, but take comfort in the fact that you still have two other children to look forward to watch growing up. Anyway, I think maybe by tomorrow you guys will able to hold at least Julia if not both of them." Dr. Carmine stated gently.

"Thank you." I replied.

"Are you ready to go kid?" C.J. asked after he walked away.

"As ready as a person can be for one of these things." I commented softly..

C.J. took me down to the lobby and I had to sign a release saying that I would come back in a few hours. I thought that was a little silly but the nurses made me sign the thing anyway. As I was signing the paper Josh and Sam came down. Josh was wearing a bulky brace over his knee but he was determined to use crutches instead of the wheelchair that Sam was fighting so valiantly to get him to use.

Love is all

I smiled at Josh and he gave me a weak smile back. He looked a little more rested than the last time I had seen him, but I could tell that he still needed a lot more sleep. He hobbled over to me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. This feat was hard to do considering he couldn't really bend down to do it, so I sort of rose up out of my chair a little to make it easier on him.

"Where's Toby?" I asked innocently and then I got this menacing glare from Josh.

"I would rather not talk about it." Josh muttered angrily.

Sam shot him a warning look and Josh just shrugged his shoulders. C.J. rolled her eyes and sighed a frustrated sigh. I quickly figured out that Toby and Josh had gotten into a scuffle or something, especially since Josh tensed up at the mention of Toby's name. I knew that this couldn't be good, because Josh was putting off dealing with what happened. Sam and C.J. were all too willing to let Josh have his way.

"What did he do that was so horrible?" I asked.

"Donna, don't worry about it, just let me help you into the car." Josh said in a tone that dared me to continue the conversation.

I looked up at him and the look in his eyes scared me. The look in his eyes told me that he hadn't been dealing with anything and that he had just let it pile up. I heard that he had gone off on a doctor but apparently that hadn't seemed to help the situation any. The same part of me who saw the need for Mt. Josh to erupt also saw the need to wait until later to pursue it. Right before Nathaniel's funeral wasn't a good time.

So I did what I was told and I let him help me into the car and then he sat in the back with me. He wrapped his arms around me so that my head was resting on his chest. We rode that way in silence to the funeral home. Sam and C.J. were also silent, because I guess they were taking our cue.

The laughter and the tears that fall

The service for son was beautiful. But it was also very sad. Warm tears fell down my cheeks throughout the whole thing. Josh sat there absently rubbing my back. I guess I should have expected that he was going to be the strong one. But I was worried when he didn't tear up at all. Even Toby was a little misty eyed but Josh wasn't at all, and I think he tried to mask that fact by covering up his eyes with sunglasses like I had done. The only difference being I knew his eyes weren't red and puffy underneath. I doubted anyone else had paid that close of attention.

As we drove to the cemetery I couldn't help but get a chill. Josh nearly died a couple of times and I could be passing his grave. But I guess from what everyone else had said I nearly died too, so maybe that explained part of the chill. But even so, it was very unnerving to be there. My son shouldn't be there yet either a voice inside me whispered.

My son's tombstone was simple but beautiful. It had a teddy bear on it and it said,' Our precious angel Nathaniel'. Everyone laid down a white rose and eight blue balloons were released. One balloon for every hour of life that Nathaniel had, and a note was tied to the strings that read something to that affect. The whole scene was so surreal to me that I just sobbed and sobbed. Almost everyone else was crying, everyone accept Josh that is.

After we got through the burial and the memorial reception and I was taken back to the hospital, Josh excused himself. He gave me a kiss and he said that he just wanted to go home and get some sleep. He was still wearing the sunglasses, so I couldn't truly read the expression on his face but I told him that it was okay. He hugged me and said that he would be back first thing in the morning.

I had a funny feeling that I never should have let him go home. Everyone else was still at the hospital visiting with me and going down to the nursery and cooing at our other two miracles. When I had a moment alone Toby entered the room, he looked very solemn and serious. I could tell that he had a lot on his mind.

"Donna, there is something that I need to tell you." Toby said somewhat uncomfortably.

"Does this have something to do with the rift you have with Josh?" I asked hoping to put him at ease a little.

"Why what did he tell you?" Toby asked, and I could tell that he was taken of-guard by my question.

"He won't tell me anything. He just spoke your name as if he wanted to rip your throat out." I replied quietly.

"Donna, I need to tell you what happened but let me warn you that I don't blame you if you get mad at me and never want to speak with me again." Toby began.

"Toby please just tell me what happened." I begged.

"Okay I was grumpy because I found out that C.J. wasn't pregnant and I didn't realize until she wasn't how much I wanted to be a father. Anyway, I was cranky and Josh and Sam were trying to think up names for your babies. I made the remark, 'At least when I have kids, they will be my kids to raise.' It was insensitive I know but the conversation kind of escalated from there and I said something about Josh shouldn't help you raise the babies if they weren't his." Toby stated and then he paused before continuing.

"You said what?" I asked slowly.

"I was so wrong but I was thinking about how Andrea cheated on me and I was afraid of what would happen if Josh accepted these kids and they weren't his, what would stop him from accepting any other kids. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself, and I just made Josh really angry. Anyway, it wasn't until a few hours later that we got the word that you were in the hospital and it wasn't until after Nathaniel died that I learned they were really his children. Josh wouldn't talk to me before Nathaniel died and now he won't even look at me." Toby replied.

"Toby." I scolded.

"Donna, I know I said some terrible things but I didn't really mean that. It wasn't until we all got on the plane that I saw how much those kids meant to him. And it wasn't until Nathaniel died that I realized the magnitude of what I had done. I had made Josh question the love for his son, even for a brief instant and now he's gone." Toby finished up quietly.

"You need to go talk to him." I replied.

"He won't talk to me." Toby protested.

"I don't care Toby. He didn't cry today Toby. I'm afraid of what he's doing alone at home. Go and talk to him and I don't care what you have to do to make him listen to you. Let him scream or punch or whatever he has to do. Just make him let it all out." I ordered.

"If that's what you want." Toby replied.

"Yes that's what I want you to do. And Toby I don't blame you for this okay. It was a stupid fight, but you just have to make this right." I replied gently.

The mundane and the magical

Love is all


	8. Love is All 8

 

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious that they aren't mine.

Love is All

By Mer

Part 8

I went home from the hospital and I went into the nursery. I looked around the room and two cribs stared back at me. We never got the chance to buy a third crib. I mentally moved the room around so that a third crib could fit in there. When I was done with that, the reality of only two cribs made the room look so bare. I picked up a stuffed animal and I sat down in the rocking chair.

I rocked gently and I wondered what the hell had happened in my life the past couple of days. First, Donna was having another man's twins, and then they turned out to be triplets, who were mine, and then they were born early and one of them was dead. Add that to the anniversary of the shooting and a few fights thrown in the mix, and that made for a hell of a week.

I hoped that Donna had understood my need to leave her alone today. Nathaniel's funeral had just felt so surreal. I hadn't even shed a single tear. I wondered what kind of jerk that made me. What kind of man doesn't even cry at his own son's funeral? That's the kind of the reason that I had to leave Donna. I couldn't let her know that I hadn't cried, she just couldn't know. I didn't want her to think of me as the heartless bastard, I felt like I was being.

I threw the stuffed animal on the floor and I headed out to the kitchen. Donna kept a cabinet full of liquor in case they had company over. I had recently been taken off any medicine that reacted badly to alcohol so I thought what the hell. Donna wouldn't be home so she would never find out. It was just going to be my dirty little secret.

Within a short while I was completely trashed. Say I have a delicate system if you want, but I was completely trashed and it felt so good. I hadn't been able to remember how good it felt to be drunk. My pain was numbed and it was a wonderful feeling. I wasn't prepared, however, for the doorbell to ring. I groaned because I thought it was Sam. Sam would not approve of the state I was in.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked once he opened the door and found Toby standing there.

"I want to talk to you." Toby replied.

"Well, you are just about the last person that I want to talk to today." I replied as I tried to slam the door.

But Toby stopped it and he forced it back open. I stepped aside because I knew at that point it was worthless to try and stop him from entering. Toby assessed the situation and he realized that I was completely drunk. And from Toby's own experience, a drunken angry Josh wasn't much better than just a plain angry Josh.

"You're drunk." Toby stated calmly.

"Keen observation there Toby." I replied with a slight slur.

"I came to apologize to you." Toby began.

"Apologize ha that's funny." I said as I began to giggle uncontrollably.

"I wasn't trying to be funny Josh." Toby replied.

"This is the wrong day to come and apologize to me." I said as I tried to take another drink.

"No more of this." Toby said as he snatched it away from me.

"Why the hell not?" I protested.

"Doesn't it affect some medicine you're on?" Toby asked.

"Not since they took me off of it." I replied as I snatched it back from him and gulped the rest of the drink down.

"So you are just going to sit here and drink the night away?" Toby asked.

"Why not?" I replied.

"That doesn't really honor your son's memory." Toby pointed out.

"You are the last person who should be talking about my son's memory. Oh what did you say, oh that's right you said I shouldn't want to be a father to him. Well, Toby that's really the only thing I want to do right now. I want to be the father of three children and not just two." I replied bitterly.

"You will always be his father Josh." Toby stated quietly.

"That may be true, but I will never get to hold him in my arms again. I will never get to hear him say his first word, or watch him take his first steps. I'll never get to take him to his first day of school, have him tell me about his first crush. I'll never get to take him to a Mets game and tell him how cool Mike Piazza is. But according to you none of that should even matter because I wasn't even supposed to want him!" I exclaimed.

"That was before I knew he was your son." Toby tried to calmly explain.

"That shouldn't have mattered. Donna was my wife and by default those kids she was carrying were mine. But you made me doubt my love for them for a millisecond. That's a millisecond I can't take back." I yelled at him.

"Do you honestly think that Nathaniel died because I made you doubt your love for him?" Toby asked.

"I don't know why he died. But you are the last person I want to talk to about it with." I replied angrily.

"You do, you blame me for his death don't you?" Toby exclaimed.

"Maybe I do, but my son just died okay. Can't you cut me just a little bit of slack? I buried a child today." I replied testily.

"Josh he wasn't meant to live. You can blame me all you want, and you know I might even deserve some of your anger. But sulking here alone isn't going to bring him back." Toby replied softly.

"You have no idea what its like Toby." I retorted.

"Maybe I don't, but I can tell this isn't the right way to deal with this. Your son died Josh, and it is a tragic thing, but life has to go on." Toby replied.

"Why can't his life go on? What did he do that was so wrong? Why do righteous people like you get to walk around this earth, as innocent babies die?" I yelled.

"Because the world needs righteous people." Toby replied in a voice that made me have to fight myself from punching his face in.

"So you're saying that Nathaniel died because the world needs righteous people?" I exploded.

"I'm not saying that, you put those words into my mouth. If I could do anything to make your pain go away then I would." Toby replied.

"Well, you can't so just leave." I ordered.

"Josh you can either face this tonight, or you can face this a month from now. I think it would be easier on you if you faced this tonight. I was wrong in what I said about Donna and about the children. If I could take those hateful words back I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. What's said has been said. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. All I'm trying to say is that you need to let people help you. You're trying to build up that wall again and you've already proven that you can't live like that." Toby stated gently.

"I'm sorry if I'm not as perfect as you." I replied.

"Damn you Josh." Toby replied as he threw up his hands.

"Why the hell do you care anyway? Why do you care if I blame you or not? Why do you care if this has upset me?" I asked angrily.

"Because I care about what happens to you. I know that we may not have always gotten along but I admire you. I admire you and how you have gotten through a lot of tough times these past couple of years. Josh, everyone is mourning the loss of your son. It was a terrible loss, but you don't have to shut everybody out. We are here to help you ease the pain." Toby replied gently.

"Donna asked you to come here didn't she?" I asked slowly.

"Yeah." Toby replied sheepishly.

"She knew that I would get angry if you came over..." I replied as I slowly began to realize their plan.

"Yeah, she gave me explicit instructions to make you angry at me." Toby answered.

"So I wouldn't keep my anger inside." I finished for him.

"Yeah. She's worried about you Josh. She noticed that you haven't really grieved for your son properly." Toby replied quietly.

"I know I haven't. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet that he is gone." I replied quietly.

"I understand. Why don't I take you back to the hospital and you can talk about it with Donna?" Toby suggested.

"I guess." I replied.

Toby gave me a few minutes to clean up and to look a little less like I had been drinking. The mouthwash freshness of my breath might give it away to Donna, but Toby assured me that she would let it slide just this once. I hoped that he was right.

I hobbled in to her room and she looked up at me with great surprise. I smiled back at her as I adjusted myself in the chair beside her bed. I waved Toby away from the doorway as I did this. Donna smiled because she knew that Toby had gotten through to me.

"I love you so much Donna." I said after Toby was out of sight.

"I know." Donna replied.

"And we buried a child today." I said as I finally allowed my voice to crack.

"I know Josh." She whispered.

"Do you really think that we can get through this?" I asked as a tear rolled down my cheek.

"Yes I do Josh, because in our case love is all." Donna replied as she gave me a hu8g so I could cry on her shoulder.

Love is all  
The laughter and the tears that fall  
The mundane and the magical  
All is love

the end


End file.
